Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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