Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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