I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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