he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
