You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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