Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
