I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
