Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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