seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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