First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
