i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
God, I missed his penis.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
