Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
