what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
