I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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