it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he fucked my hip out of place.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
