Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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