I just pynch a tree in the face
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
