Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
