He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
