it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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