My cat gives me a boner
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
