Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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