I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
