When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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