She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
