I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
