Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
