I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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