Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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