is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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