What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
