dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
