If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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