True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
