is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
