Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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