Your dad touched me again.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
