dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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