After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
