I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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