I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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