My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
