question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
we're so committed to being not committed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
