I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
