when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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