Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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