I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You made out with two different species that night
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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