Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
