forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
