My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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