I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
